By Brad Browning
The Author Mending the Marriage
Avoiding Conflict Will Help Save Your Marriage
Firstly, avoiding conflict will help save your marriage. One of the things that I teach in my best-selling program is called the Dispute Defusing System.
More than just a catchy name, this system is designed to ensure that any argument you have with your spouse is handled calmly and politely, and in doing so will prevent your spouse from feeling that “Fight or Flight” response.
Here’s a brief overview of the Dispute Defusing System and how you can use it to help save your marriage…
Using My “Dispute Defusing” System to save your marriage
Arguing is completely normal and even the healthiest of marriages have the occasional dispute. In fact, arguments can actually be productive and an opportunity for bonding if they don’t cause lingering resentment or conflict. The key is how you handle them.
By knowing how to reduce harmful fallouts (what I call “Marriage Murdering Arguments”) you stand a better chance of rebuilding a broken marriage.
To get you started, let’s look at some of my main Dispute Defusing steps
Step #1 – Accept the fact that you might not find a resolution to your argument.
When you and your spouse get into an argument it can feel like it’ll never end. When this happens, it’s important to take a moment to stop and analyze why the argument isn’t going anywhere.
Are you unwilling to negotiate? Do you feel like your partner is being too stubborn?
By continuing a pointless argument, you run the risk of escalating it into something bigger and more terrifying – this is how things get blown out of proportion.
#2 – Go to bed angry… sometimes.
Conventional wisdom tells you otherwise, but when you go to bed angry chances are you’ll wake up less angry than you were the night before. If you find the argument escalating into a “Marriage Murdering Argument”, simply go your separate ways for a while.
Giving yourselves time to cool down means that when you wake up those smaller causes for arguments will have melted away overnight, and you can revisit the bigger issues with a calmer, more rational mindset.
#3 – Wait before you bring up issues.
This can be tough, especially when you feel that what you’re holding back is important. However, the problem with blurting out your opinions instead of waiting a while is that when something irks you, emotions can take over and you’ll say things without thinking. The correct course of action when this kind of situation comes up is to bite your tongue.
By holding in your grievances for an hour or so, two things will happen.
First, you’ll be able to calm down. When you’re calm, your partner will be more receptive to you and you and they will be less likely to blow things out of proportion.
Second, you’ll be able to frame your argument in a more constructive manner, which brings me to my next point.
#4 – Frame your arguments better.
There are hundreds of ways to frame your arguments, but for all intents and purposes I’ll cover a few here. Changing just a few words during your argument can make all the difference.
In fact, a 2018 study found that starting statements with “I” instead of “You” can have a profound impact on how the other person perceives you and your argument.
For example, if your spouse is always late for social gatherings and this annoys you, then you could say:
“You’re always late and our friends are always annoyed because of it.”
That doesn’t sound very pleasant though, does it?
Now look what happens when you change the way you bring up this grievance:
“I would appreciate it if we tried to be on time. I think our friends would like to know we made the effort.”
See how the second sentence sounds much less accusatory? Again, small changes in the way you say certain things can have a big impact on how your comments are perceived.
#5 – Inject some humor into your argument.
Sometimes, a big argument can be almost impossible to avoid. In situations where you have to discuss something really important, it can be helpful to make a small joke if things start to get out of hand.
For example, let’s say your spouse hates one of your best friends and never wants to be around them, but you want to convince them to give your pal another shot.
If things start getting heated, you could say something funny like…
“Would it help if I asked Rob to wear some deodorant so he doesn’t stink so much?”
Adding in a hint of humor can decrease tension and make you and your spouse feel closer. To avoid escalating the argument, be cautious of when and when not to make light of an issue.
#6 – Let go of the desire to always be right.
It’s human nature to want to be right, but when you and your spouse are fighting, there’s usually no “winner” at all. When feelings are getting hurt and ugly words are being thrown around, you both lose. The only way you can truly win an argument with your spouse is if you both come to a mutual agreement in a civilized manner.
When one spouse becomes obsessed with the idea of always being right, that’s when arguments can turn into all-out wars. The next time you feel like you could be wrong, take a step back and breathe. Then say something like:
“You know what, you could be right, actually.”
It’s hard, I know, but it can end a lot of pain and heartache.
Since arguments can be the backbone of marital problems, learning how to deal with them properly can make or break your marriage. Still, learning how to argue better is only part of the solution.
Sometimes, you need to learn what not to do if you want save your marriage…
